


Not His John

by MyLittleCornerOfSherlock



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, PTSD, Post-Reichenbach, Pre-Slash, post-reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 18:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyLittleCornerOfSherlock/pseuds/MyLittleCornerOfSherlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock didn’t understand. John said he wasn’t angry. John agreed it all made sense. So why wouldn’t he look at him? Sherlock thought he knew him, but it was almost like this wasn’t even his John anymore.  -kedgeree</p><p>Inspired by kedgeree's post on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not His John

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kedgeree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kedgeree/gifts).



> Inspired by this post by kedgeree on tumblr:  
> http://kedgeree11.tumblr.com/post/57410924917/sherlock-didnt-understand-john-said-he-wasnt
> 
> This work is unbetaed.

They go through the motions.  They keep each other safe.  The face they put on to the outside world shows that everything is fine.  True, there aren't as many “That was amazing”s or “Brilliant!”s.  But that’s to be expected after what John’s been through.  No one thinks anything of it.  But when they get back to the flat on Baker Street and shut out the rest of the world; that’s when reality sinks in and Sherlock knows everything is not okay.

John says it all made sense and he understood.  John says he’s not angry.  But something is off.  Something is different.  And Sherlock can’t quite put his finger on it.

Sherlock watches as John goes through the motions.  He makes the tea, he reads the paper, he showers, he insists Sherlock eat.  But he never once looks at Sherlock, never once makes eye contact.  John doesn’t touch him.  He is very calculated in how close he allows himself to physically get to Sherlock.  Close enough to set the tea next to Sherlock’s elbow.  John hands over the laptop, grasping on the edge so it won’t drop, but so he won’t have to touch Sherlock. He calls out over his shoulder, “Sherlock, you need to eat.  I left it on the table” as he heads out the door.  

John wears the same comfy jumpers.  He uses the same shaving foam and cologne.  He still takes his coffee black.  He types one finger at a time, hunt and peck.  It takes time, but Sherlock realizes something one day about John.  He looks and acts like John. But, not _his_ John.

What happened to _his_ John?  Why can’t Sherlock make John look at him when they’re alone?  Even John’s trademark “What the fuck, Sherlock?” look would be welcome right now.  Why won’t John touch him? Even just the pat on the shoulder or grabbing his wrist to force a piece of toast on him.  Anything is better than this...this...silent but not silent treatment.  

Sherlock just wants _his_ John back.  It hurts.  It physically hurts when there is the obvious recoil to avoid his touch, when John sidesteps, or looks up to see Sherlock looking at him and John averts his gaze.  Sherlock didn’t know that these things could actually hurt a person until John does them.

It comes to a head one night.  Sherlock is desperate for any recognition of emotion or caring from John.  He exclaims in pain, sharp starbursts at the edge of his vision as the broken slide slices into the palm of his hand.  Sherlock claims it was an accident.  He calls for John.  He watches as the man lifts his head and notices as John’s eyes slide past him when he asks Sherlock what’s wrong.  Sherlock raises his bleeding hand into John’s line of sight.

John pales and unexpectedly wraps his arms around himself, shrinking into a tight ball, sobbing and rocking.  This was not the reaction Sherlock was expecting.  He quickly balls up his precious scarf and presses it to his palm as he rushes to John.  He realizes now why John is not his John.  John is ever the brave soldier, always the caretaker.  He’s masked it well, his condition.  His PTSD that had plagued him before John had met Sherlock, is now caused by Sherlock. 


End file.
